Looks can be decieving.

     I am on tumblr right now. I fixed my blog, which is good, I'm liking all the pictures I'm reblogging, but somethings different, I'm not getting any good vibes as usual. As always, I'm getting this weird mix of feeling wonderlust and nostalgic. I want to move forward, but I don't want things to change. I don't want to have to say goodbye to everything. I'm getting scared and panicky just thinking about this.
     I've met a girl in the last few days, Rebeca, with whom I've been spending a lot of time with recently. She is quite amazing, and I don't mean that in a romantic/sexual way. She is an extraordinary human being, and I wouldn't say that she is an inspiration, because I DO NOT want to become like her. I want to witness her just being, and be happy about it. If this moves forward, we could become good friends, but honestly, I can't imagine that happening just yet. She's moving to my town in a couple of days. I hope we become close, even though she isn't the kind of person I'm used to being around.
     I got drunk yesterday. I also met someone who can buy me cigarettes and alcohol or whatever. Yes, I met him through Rebeca. I feel so ashamed and guilty about drinking so much yesterday. I knew I couldn't handle that amount. I always do this. I can't just have a drink with my friends, I always have to get absolutely drunk. I hope this doesn't mean that I'm turning into my mother. I really hope so.
    I don't really know whether I'm happy or sad at the moment. I don't think I know the difference anymore.

quotes that mean a lot to me

"You're so worth all of this torture"

"I like the idea of being whoever I want to be and not just saying "Well, this is what I've got, I've got to live with it."."

"Hold my heart, it's beating for you anyway."

"I dont have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds"

"Every word you ever said will always be in my thoughts"

"And love is a word used too much and much too soon"

"I'm sorry that I'm both your umbrella and the rain."

"It's up to you to show them why they're wrong."

"And the worst kind of heartbreak is the kind that comes along when you have to watch the person you love be happy with someone else."

"I don't want a lukewarm love. I want it to burn my lips and engulf my soul.'

"You bleed just to know you're alive."

"But we're all scared to say the things worth saying."

"When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence; thats when you know you've found somebody really special."

"I guess some people are just born with tragedy in their blood."

"Peace in my heart, peace in my soul. Wherever I'm going, I'm already home."

"Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded."



to be continued..

First Post.

     So I guess I made this blog because I've been very confused lately, and I think it'd be easier for me to keep track of my thoughts and feelings if I write it all down. Also, I'm thinking about not publishing the link to this blog anywhere, for others to see, because I might mention names in some posts, and I'm going to reveal my personal thoughts (good and bad) about situations and people.

     I honestly don't know how this blog is going to work out, as I have made blogs before, specifically on blogspot, which I have ended up either deleting or just forgetting about them and never using them. I really hope this one turns out differently. I really do. I have kept diaries before; the one I wrote last year actually got my thoughts straight a lot of the time, just helped me keep track of my feelings, and also, I'm happy I did it because I can now look in it, reread the stories and little notes I've made in it, and just remember it all happening, remembering what my perspective was back then, what it is now, and comparing them.

     Part of the reason I made this blog is because I have been using tumblr for quite a while now, and I dont feel like I can express myself on it anymore. It was a lot easier back when I first got the hang of tumblr - posted what I felt like posting, rebloging anything thatwas similar to what I was actually feeling. Now, I'm still a big fan of tumblr, I still use it, I have 5 blogs (of which I mainly use 2), but I dont feel like its self-expression anymore. I just feel like I'm blogging just to gain followers, have a nice blog to look at, have a nice theme, a good playlist, but I am constantly thinking about what other people are going to think of it. Almost none of my posts mean anything to me anymore. I dont even listen to the type of music on there. I am trying to change all of this. I really am, but it's proving to be harder than I first thought it would be. It's slowly getting better, but in the mean time, I just thought it'd be easier to start over - on a new website, not public, where I can just spill my heat out, and nobody would care about it. Where nothing needs to fit in with the other posts, where nothing needs to be perfect. So I really hope this project of mine will turn out to be pure, ray, and tender 'me'.

     This is my anthem. This is me.