datorsmadzenes

     Pašapzināta attālināšanās no sev itkā tuviem cilvēkiem vienmēr ir sāpīgi. Jums ir tik labi, un tad bēām, 'jūs' vairs nepastāvat. Bet ir kaut kas līdzīgs, kas - ticiet vai nē - ir vēl sāpīgāk nekā šis. Būt aizvietotam. Pretīga sajūta. Tu vairs kādam neesi vajadzīgs. Tu esi izmantots, un aizsviests prom, saburzīts.

     Lai cik arī sāpētu kontakta zudums, vēl vairāk sāp doma, ka cilvēks, ar kuru tu esi 'aizvietots', ir labāks par tevi. Tev šķiet, ka šis cilvēks ir labāks par tevi visās jomās. Piemēram, tu vari būt pasaules labākais futbola spēlētājs. [stulbs piemērs] Bet, ja kāds tomēr izvēlēsies uzspēlēt ar kādu citu, atstājot tevi vienu pašu, tu domāsi, ka šis otrs spēlētājs ar kaut ko ir labāks par tevi. 

     Vēl komplektā ar zemu pašvērtējumu un  tuvo cilvēku zaudējumu, tu jūties totāli sūdīgi, ja nevari atrast cilvēku, kas aizvieto tavu aizvietotāju. Tu redzi, kā tavs aizvietotājs ir laimīgs, bez tevis, bet tu nevari pārdzīvot zaudējumu, sēdi, nezini kur likties, jo tu nevari izdarīt tā pat.

un cilvēki vēl man jautā, kāpēc es neielaižu cilvēkus savās domās un sirdī. jo visi pazudīs. un pietam vēl paņems līdzi gabalu no tevis, ko tu vairs nekad nedabūsi atpakaļ.

     Šodienai viss. Esmu sapratusi, ka vienīgais veids, kā varu noķert savas domas, ir ierakstot tās šeit. es gribētu šeit piebilst "Daudz viela pārdomām", vai kaut ko tamlīdzīgu, bet patiesībā, es nevaru padomāt. Līdz šim vēl īsti nezināju, kas ir prāta skaidrība. Tagad to sāku aptvert.

Solījums sev - centīšos te vairāk rakstīt, ne lai citi var par mani kaut ko varētu uzzināt, bet lai vairāk tiktu skaidrībā.

Vsjo.

dzimtā valoda. žargons?

     Ilgi nav rakstīts blogā. Vispār nav rakstīts latviski. Nenoliegšu, ka neesmu savas valsts patriote. Varbūt tāpēc, ka esmu vēl bērns, un nezinu savas valsts 'morālo vērtību'. Bet vismaz šajā dzīves posmā nesaskatu neko par Latviju, ar ko varētu lepoties, dēļ kā ar lepnumu varētu teikt "Jā, esmu latviete!".
     Es tikko izmantoju izsaukuma zīmi. Dziļi ienīstu izsaukuma zīmes, jau pailgu laiku. Nezinu, kāpēc. Varbūt, jo es bieži nejūtu spilgtas emocijas. Izsaukuma zīmes man atsauc prātā prieku, patīkamu pārsteigumu, laimi, dziļu apmierinātību. Nezinu. Man tādas emocijas ilgi nav bijušas. Un nezinu, kāpēc par latvieša tautību vajadzētu būt laimīgam.
     Nezinu, kāpēc iesāku tēmu par patriotismu. Oh well, going with the flow 'n tā.
     Šodien satiku visu vasaru nesatiktu klasesbiedreni. Patiesībā, divas. Viena no tām, sirdij ļoti tuva, tomēr tajā pašā brīdī ļoti attāla. Sāku viņā uztvert skaistumu. Ne jau ārēju. Ārēju skaistumu viņā var saskatīt ikviens. Bet pāris stundas parunājot ar šo meiteni, sāku sajust viņas vārdos dziļas sāpes, bēdas. Acīs saskrien asaras, tagad par to rakstot. Lai cik skaisti man arī šīs sāpes liekas, lai cik mākslinieciski es uztveru to, kā šo meiteni sagrauj no iekšas, izēd viņas dvēseli; esmu lāstīta (vai svētīta) ar aukstu, akmenscietu sirdi, kas tomēr šādos brīžos spēj būt tik līdzjūtīga, ka liekas, ka pati piedzīvoju visu, kam šī meitene ir gājusi cauri. Un man tas riebjas. Pretīga sajūta. Sāpes.
    Pirms pāris mēnešiem es sev, (un savā ziņā, arī šai meitenei) apsolīju, ka es viņu jebkurā brīdī uzklausīšu, jutīšu līdzi, sapratīšu, atbalstīšu. Tad es vēl nezināju, patiesi, cik līdzjūtīga es spēju būt. (Atvainojos, ja tas izklausās augstprātīgi, bet ticiet man, es to uztveru tikai un vienīgi sliktā veidā. Nekas labs tur nav, un nenovēlētu to nevienam.) Es biju gatava darīt visu , lai tikai viņai nebūtu jāpieredz tas, ko esmu pieredzējusi es. Biju tik naiva. Kad viņai izzuda depresijas zīmes, kad viņa atguva dzīvesprieku, un savu iepriekšējo dzīvi, pie sevis nodomāju: "Viss galā, varu atvilkt elpu.". Stulbi. Nebiju gatava tam, ka viņai tas var atkārtoties - daudzkārt sliktākā formā; un pie tam vēl vasarā, kad man ar viņu praktiski nav kontakta. Biju naiva.
    Es centīšos lūgt par viņu. Iešāvās prātā doma: kas ir patiesāk - izmisīga lūgšana, priekš savām vajadzībām, vai izmisīga lūgšana pār citām dvēselēm? Manuprāt, lūgšana par citiem ir daudz dziļāka, sirsnīgāka, patiesāka, jo lūdzot par citu, tu domā tikai par to cilvēku. Ne par sevi. Pie tam vēl tu gribi tam cilvēkam visu to labāko, bez atlīdzības. Tu neko neprasi un negaidi atpakaļ. Kaut, ja tam cilvēkam beigu rezultātā ir labāk, nekā tev pašam.
    Anyway, šis paliek pārāk emocionāli. Par šo pietiks. Centīšos šovakar iepostot vēl vienu rakstu. Arī, cerams, latviski. Blogot latviski nav tik slikti, kā biju gaidījusi.

repetition.

You don't need to bash skinny people to say bigger people are beautiful.
You don't need to bash men to promote women's rights.
You don't need to bash white people to promote racial equality.
You don't need to bash a certain genre of music to promote another.
You don't need to bash straight people to promote gay rights.

You don't need to bash anyone to advocate your opinion.

I'm posting this again, so I remember this better. This is the most accurate thing I've ever read.

wings and anchors.

     While reading an article on enlightenment, I couldn't help but notice, how much I agree with Buddhism. Yes, I believe that there is God - the One and Only. I dont know if I have mentioned before that I'm very confused about my religion (if I have one) at this point in my life. I dont see myself as a Christian. But I would very much like to know God personally, to have Him be in charge of my life, and to work for Him. But I have also tried Buddhism before, which fits my personal view of the world better.

    Is it possible to combine Christianity and Buddhism? Many have tried. Heck, even I have. But now, that Im on the topic, I dont think its even possible. You cant have two religions. You can only follow one religion. You can only focus on one religion, and if you choose to have one, you can only live your life according to the religion that youve picked. But I think its possible to be a Christian, but to respect and follow Buddhist beliefs. For example, in the article I read about enlightenment, it says that everything most humans do is driven by only two things - desire and hatred. And this is natural; its built in to our brains. I completely agree. Almost everything they [people] say and do, most of the interests they pursue and most of their speech and activity is motivated by and absorbed into whom they like, what they like, and what they hate. They are strongly pulled towards what they like and repelled from what they hate. 

     I also agree with this: "Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering: hence it is the cause of suffering." . The reason I started reading the article is because I really want to find out more about enlightenment. More specifically, the non-attachment way. I dont want to be attached to anything, or anyone. I want to be a free spirit. I have the right to be free. Everyone does.

     Lately, I've also been wandering about the reason why I love anchors and birds. Not the actual, material anchors and birds, just the idea of them. While writing this post, I think that Ive finally got the hint.

A bird - birds are free, and the sky is the limit for them. They arent attached to anything, some/most of them even migrate, which means theyre not even attached to their homes. They can go wherever the want, do whatever they want. Sure, they need food to stay alive, but thats natural instinct. They do what the feel like doing - in this case, eating. Also, birds are animals. I, in many ways, prefer animals to humans. Animals have no attachment. Well, most of them. They dont have emotions, which means that they arent driven by desire or hate. The only thing they might desire is food and sex, also their preferable climate. But these are all natural instincts. They mate, give birth, then mostly leave the ofspring to grow up by themselves. Not caring. Animals dont hate anyone or anything. Everything is nothing. 

An anchor - the thing weighing me [or humanity, as a whole] down. No, there are no literal anchors tied to us, holding us where we are, but the idea of being attached to an anchor - again, attachment. Everything were attached to is holding us down. Everything that is stopping us RIGHT NOW to take of our clothes, run and live in a forest - its all attachment. Most of us are attached to things like - our house, fridge, phone, electricity, an internet connection or wifi, computer, money, friends, family members, the desire to be liked or appreciated by other people, to be socially accepted. Theyre all anchors. We should all try to get rid of our anchors and be free, individual, original spirits, therefor making this world a better place.

The article

a social life is a blessing given by God.

    I haven't done anything productive in about a week.
     All I have done is make people angry and sad and confused and ashamed, but also a little happy. This isn't supposed to be a little white girl's blog post that goes something like "I'm a waste of space, nobody needs me, I only make people feel bad". Although I do feel like a waste of space a lot of the time, I believe that no one is worthless, and that everything has a purpose for existing. Everyone has an effect on other people, it's just that the effect I've had on the people around me in the last week hasn't been very good.
     Now, about the title. In the past few days I have noticed that my social life is developing very quickly and that now, at this age, I am doing all the things I wanted to do about 2 years ago. And this isn't what I want anymore. I drink, smoke, stay over at other poeple's houses, go out as much as I want, meet everyone that I want to meet. I don't want to do this anymore. I think my soul and mind have developed a lot in the past few years. I'm not saying I'm grown up now, because Im not. But I am growing spiritally and it's becoming noticeable.
    ps, the title isnt finished - A social life is a blessing given by God, but developed by yourself.